A Boy and his Books

The boy loves books.  It's no secret and actually we've had to use books as punishment in recent weeks.  When the boy is misbehaving or non-compliant, the more clinical term, we've taken away video games...

"That's okay Mommy.  Video games were not on my schedule tonight" (yep, we're always referring to our schedule in this house)

So then we take away TV shows.  The recent favorites are Word Girl and Wild Kratz.

"That's okay Mommy.  I didn't want to watch them this afternoon"

So Mommy, with steam coming out of her ears but keeping a very calm voice...

"Well, I'm sorry Caleb but if you're not going to get dressed for school, I can't let you read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (for the 18th time)."  And the boy's eyes grow wide.  "But I need my books.  If I don't have my books, I can't learn."  At 6 yrs old this boy has such a desire to know everything and books are his key.  It's beautiful and heartbreaking.  And Mommy just keeps thinking how crazy this whole situation is.  And the boy is heartbroken but he gets dressed. 

I don't even set a length of time for Harry to be in timeout but the boy goes to school.  He has a really difficult day.  He tells his teacher that Mommy broke his heart.  He tells his TSS that Mommy hurt his heart and needs to apologize.  And Mommy's heart breaks a little more each time she hears.  Tough love sucks but Mommy has to stick to her guns.  Time and time again we see that consistency is the best thing for him.

Harry is on the table in the living room.  It never even got put up.  It doesn't have to be.  The TSS asks the boy if he wants to read.  She suggests Harry Potter.  The boy says, "No, I'm not supposed to read it."

We talk a little bit later.  It's been a rough few weeks.  The boy has taken us on quite a roller coaster.  That's what it's like sometimes.  Despite the rigidness, the rules, Asperger's remains very unpredictable.  He's sorry for being difficult.  He repeats the phrase and sometimes I know he means it.  Sometimes I think it's just another script.  This time it doesn't matter.  I tell him I'm sorry that I hurt his heart.  I tell him that my heart hurt to.  I give the boy back his Harry Potter and he's happily back in Diagon Alley watching as Harry gathers his supplies for school.

Apologies...

I used to hate being late.  Granted, I never wanted to be early either.  To have to awkwardly wait for someone, all the time wondering in my head if they were still coming, if I had gotten the time or location mixed up, if they wanted to see me at all.  All that anxiety over a silly meet up.  It can be tough when you don't want to be late but also don't want to be early but I've learned that I seem to be a walking contradiction.

But my problems were solved when I had kids and then when I had 2 kids under 2, at least this problem was.  You can't expect a new parent to be on time or even crazier, early, for anything.  Wrangling 2 children who can't hardly do anything for themselves... this was just the excuse that I needed.  I could let go of the guilt of being late.  I wouldn't have to stress about being early.  And should planets align and I actually arrive early for something, I could just sit back and take pride in the fact that I managed to get 2 monkeys shod, dressed and into carseats.  It would be a good day.

Then the kids grew.  They became more independent and they became more independent.  It was no longer a victory to get the shoes on their feet.  It was a victory to get them to want to put shoes on their feet.  Free will can be such a frustrating thing.

I'm now back to wanting to be on time.  I'm expected to be on time and yet, it continues to be a next to impossible task.  You see, the challenges have changed.

"Caleb, it's time to get shoes on and go to church"

"No" or my new favorite phrase (sarcasm alert) "I don't feel like it"

And the challenge begins.  Can I think fast enough to get the boy to want to go out into the world or do we plow through a fit until he finally gives in and accepts that mama is getting her way?  This is life on the spectrum.  The boy would love to spend every day, every hour of every day, at home with his nose in a book.  Sure the boy enjoys going to school, playing at the playground, going to the library but not always enough to take that first step in getting ready and out the door.

I don't often plan outings after coming home from school.  If we come home for lunch, most days, we're not going back out, unless it's to OT (that's part of the weekly routine so that's okay).  After convincing him to get up and get ready for school, it's just tiring to have to convince him to go out again especially when mama can sympathize with his desire to just be home.  Mama also likes to just be home.  This is life on the spectrum sometimes.

So getting the boy out the door when he knows it's what he has to do (like going to school) can be challenging.  Try getting the boy out the door when it's unexpected, like to the doctors.  This can be tricky, unless of course, he's too sick to really put up a fight.

Today our fun was whether or not there was school for Veteran's Day.  We all were up and the boy said that he didn't have to go to school (and no, this is not my guy trying to get out of school.  we don't really play those games on our part of the spectrum).  I said okay but let me check your folder and there I made my first blunder.  You see I have trouble reading all the words.  I can't explain it but my husband knows full well that I skim and I don't do it very well.  If I have anything important to read, I give it to him.  It's really sad but that's how I am.  And so I skimmed the weekly notice in his folder and sure enough saw the note, No School, Friday November...  Kind of skipped over the entire date.  So I told Daddy, the boy is right.  No school.  Of course my 6 yr old knows these things.  He knows lots of things, like that giant squids migrate.  The girl, we question.  The boy, not so much.  So Daddy took Sadie to school, Caleb started pouring over the toy catalog for the umpteenth time and I went to check email.

Then my phone rings.  It's Daddy.

"Are you sure he doesn't have school?  There are kids at the bus stop"

"I swear his folder said no but I'll check again"

Um, yeah, No School, Friday, November 5 for conferences.  Crap, crap, crap.

And of course, my boy is now set on staying home.  I employ all the usual parenting techniques.  I bribe- if you go to school, Daddy and I have a special surprise for you this afternoon.  I threaten- you know what happens when you stay home from school and you're not sick (the police come).  I mean business- Caleb, this is unacceptable.  You are expected to get ready and go to school.  I threaten again- if you don't get dressed, I'll send you to school in your pjs.

I thought that we were headed for another meltdown.  We had one earlier this week and I really didn't want to deal with it again.  I gave him one more chance... Mommy's going to get dressed.  You have 2 minutes to get yourself ready to go to school (I don't even have an or else because I'm out of ideas).  And while I go down the hall to my room a little voice asks for 3 minutes.  This just isn't going to go well.  I get dressed and start back towards his room.  Okay, buddy, I gave you 4 minutes.  A whole extra minute (in my most enthusiastic voice.  It's all about not showing fear).  He's under his covers.  This isn't good.  I cheerfully pull off the covers and declare it's time to get ready.  I pull out his comfy pants from his drawer and I'm met with a compliant little guy, ready to get dressed and go to school.

I don't know how it happens.  It's so stinkin' unpredictable.  I can't always tell when one thing will work and when it won't.  Life on the spectrum sometimes... you have to think quick and always be willing to bend and yet still keep your expectations consistent.  And yet, my part of the spectrum is so easy compared to some.

So, my apologies if you find yourself waiting for me.  I do value your time and I do admit that sometimes its my own fault that I'm running behind, sometimes it's the girl dawdling trying to find her missing sunglasses because she can't bear to go out to face her public without them, but sometimes it's life on the spectrum throwing us a curve.

The Sadie-Lady is 5!

pumpkins!

Big things, really big things, happened last week.  Halloween, trick-or-treating, carving pumpkins, the ballet, the circus coming to town.  Lots of excitement but probably (at least according to Sadie) the most exciting thing happened on Wednesday, Nov 2.  Yep, that's the day that the little girl turned 5 and I couldn't have anticipated how excited she was about this.  She now checks that her clothes all have 5T on them instead of 4.  If there's a 4, you wouldn't believe the face I get- a mixture of disappointment and frustration.  How could I still let my 5 yr old wear 4T clothes?!  And there we can see that we will not be growing out of our flair for the dramatic...

But we are happy to have a healthy, active and bright 5 yr old.  Not a day goes by where we're not completely amazed by her- either by her complete rottenness or by how caring, smart, endearing she is.

Year 4 started out a little crazy with the little girl being hospitalized for Kawasaki Disease.  It was a bit scary seeing my girl so sick and yet, through it all, she was her happy little self.  The doctor at Children's kept remarking about how happy she was, how sweet she was.  Because of the trickiness of the disease, there was a never ending stream of  interns coming in to check out her rash, her eyes, her fever and of course, she enjoyed the attention.  And we were just thankful that they caught it in time, treated her and that she has recovered fully but still has no desire to ever have another pinch (and mommy doesn't blame her).

swimming in the creek at camp

After that adventure, the year progressed much easier.

Sadie has really grown quite a bit in the past 6 months.  She's developed an amazing understanding of her brother and a sweet ability to help him.  She talks him through changes that might throw him.  She encourages him to play and read and make friends.  She stands up for him when other children try to exclude him.  I'm so proud of my girl!

with Ariel and Prince Erik

at Disney Studios

And she still has this amazing self confidence that I only dream of having.  My girl has no second thoughts about going up to her princesses at Disney World and talking to them about her visit, to ask Prince Erik where his dog is, even to tell the little old lady working as a volunteer, how happy she is to be at Disney World.  She danced to the music in Tomorrowland, and strutted her stuff at Disney Studios and of course we had to wear our Cinderella dress all day (in 80 degree heat) to meet her princess.  I sit back and watch her and think how wonderful it must be to not second guess yourself constantly.  I've also promised myself that I will do everything to protect that self worth and confidence.

The girl has continued into another year of ballet and improves with each week.  She practices and shows off her steps to g'ma's and papa's.  I don't even need to bug her to get ready for class in the morning.  She does it all herself.  She has a dream.  A dream to be a ballerina/cowgirl.  Not sure how the cowgirl part will come about but she's got the ballerina part down.

She was able to see her first ballet, The Nutcracker, last December and this past week we saw Peter Pan.  It was a Mommy/Sadie date which of course meant we had to be fancy.  She loved it!  Seeing Tinkerbell and Peter Pan flying.  Seeing the crocodile chase down Hook.  We both really enjoyed the afternoon and I have to admit, we're looking forward to The Nutcracker again.

the first day of school

Sadie is in pre-K for one more year.  This year she's going to Eden Christian Academy.  This is a great Christian school if you're looking for something in the North Hills.  She's having so much fun in her new school and memorizing Bible verses.  It's so sweet to hear her reciting God's word.  And with the new school there have been new friends and lots of playdates.  She's been really enjoying the special treat of going home with one of her school mates and spending the afternoon playing.

In other big news, the little girl is learning to read.  She's picked up a bunch of sight words and has started being able to sound out others.  It's been exciting and empowering.  She's thrilled to be able to look at letters and find the words, to do what her brother's been able to do for so long.  It's also made the house a little more quieter as my two little bookworms curl up with their books for the afternoon.  It's happy.

Flower girl for Aunt Betsy

Sadie's has been in 2 weddings this year.  The first in August for Aunt Jackie and then in September for Aunt Betsy and of course, she enjoyed having the spotlight on her.  She did a very good job for both events and managed to get most of the guests at Aunt Betsy's wedding to do the chicken dance around her.  I wish I had pictures or video of that moment.  It was something else but Mommy, Daddy and Caleb were also doing the chicken dance too.

We've been so blessed to have another year watching our girl growing and learning.  We often don't know where this energetic extrovert came from but we love her so much.  Our family wouldn't be nearly as exciting without her.

Caleb is 6!

This is long overdue but once again life has gotten in the way of writing time.  Big things have been happening here.  We now have a full-blown, backpack-totin', bus riding, kindergartener!  And preparing this boy for kindergarten was comparable to preparing for a climb of Mt. Everest, at least, it seemed so to me.

Intellectually this boy has been ready for kindergarten since he was about 3 and a half.  No one denies that he's a smart boy (just like his daddy).  His favorite books to borrow from the library are science books- we've learned all about the universe, discovered dinosaurs and most recently, had to read all about the flu epidemic of 1918 (and yes, there is a children's book about the flu epidemic of 1918).  But there is always a down with the up.  The boy still struggles to write often to the point of a tantrum out of tiredness and frustration.  He's also still struggling with social things- looking people in the eye, answering and asking questions.  Making friends is difficult for him.  When he's curious about kids and willing to engage them in conversation, they're not wanting to talk to him.  And then you have the times where another kid approaches him, asks him a question or says hi and Caleb walks away.  Timing can be so difficult sometimes.  We've made tons of progress but there's still more to work on.

In this past year, the boy has done amazing things.  I still get a little teary thinking about the moment in Disney way back in March, how he dressed up in a Jedi robe, got up on stage, interacted with the Jedi master and fought Darth Vader.  We made it through 4 days of Disney fun with only a few bobbles.  He enjoyed Dinosaur camp at the museum (without his little sister).  He's become a seasoned ring bearer participating in  both Aunt Jackie and Aunt Betsy's weddings this summer.  And for those weddings, he wore a vest and tie (clip-on but still a tie!).  He's gotten so much better with his writing and using his words and controlling his temper.  We've gone from walking on eggshells not knowing what might set him off to a peaceful, albeit somewhat crazy household.  I don't have to stress about getting him to leave the house most days.  He's using his words more and more to sort out differences with his sister.  He's also getting better at recognizing and expressing his feelings.  Progress is a great thing and even with little regressions here and there, you know that progress was made once and can be done again and again.

And have Caleb's interests changed in this year...not really.

The boy still loves all things science- especially at the library.  He bounces back and forth between the Star Wars chapter books on one side of the children's section to the non-fiction science books on the other side.  Caleb continues to love, love, love to read.  He devours books and then rereads them again and again.  He laughs while he's reading, he asks questions about the worlds of Star Wars and Harry Potter.  Yes, that was the big thing late this summer.  The boy read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.  It took him a little over 4 hours.  It was a fluke.  I just randomly gave it to him for something to do.  We had tried to read it out loud a couple of times but he would lose interest just after a few chapters.  Well, apparently the problem is that silly mommy reads too slow.  Now the boy is bugging me weekly for the second book.  But this mommy is not quite ready for him to be plowing through that series (as much as I love it) so he has to be content with rereading book 1 for the next year or so.  And to his future reading teachers... I'm sorry but you've got a whole family that loves reading and so the boy is going to be well read.  We've polished of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, 101 Dalmations (the original novel, not the Disney version), The Wizard of Oz, Charlotte's Web, Stuart Little and many more that I can't keep track of.  Most recently we've started Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIHM (he initially had no interest in this one but once I started reading it to Sadie, he's since become hooked).

Star Wars has also been tough.  The boy continues to love any and all things Star Wars and he has yet to see any of the movies.  I think we might be ready for Episode 1 soon (I hope).

The boy has developed some imaginary friends, which isn't surprising considering the posse that Sadie has surrounding her at all times.  However, Caleb seems to have befriended the villains.  Bowser, Emperor Palpatine, these are his buddies.  Bowser's entire family traveled to Disney with us and Caleb enjoyed telling us how Bowser and his family were having more fun then we were in different areas of the park. Most recently, Caleb seems to have recognized the importance of learning a second language.  He introduced us to El Suprimo his Spanish translator for Caleb Enterprises.  Speaking of Caleb World, it continues to grow and expand with his imagination.  I'm still not sure if I should be proud of his creativity or concerned for his quest for global domination.  But it's good to know that he's making his way and working hard even in his imaginary world.  It makes me so excited to see what he'll be when he's older.

So Caleb is in kindergarten, in our local public school.  I've been very pleased with it so far.  We prayed all spring and summer for his teacher and our prayers were answered.  His teacher is amazing!  She's caring and understanding and willing to work together with me to help this little guy.  We trade emails on a weekly basis.  She's open to suggestions that will help him in class. She's willing to let some things slide but will also stick to her guns and push him when he needs it.  She sees that much of the academics of kindergarten, he knows but that there are many other parts of school that he will struggle with.  Most importantly, I feel like I can trust her to care for my boy and that is a huge thing.  He's also making friends at school.  The couple of weeks were hard.  There was an incident on the bus and it turned out that Caleb was being picked on.  I don't have the unrealistic notion that my boy will get through 13 years of public school without enduring some teasing but to have it start on only the second week of school.  To have my boy ask me why a boy would call him a "thumbsucker"?  Why a boy would hit him?  Well, all my fears of him being targeted  and not even able to understand what was happening...  But it was sorted out.  My boy was not being targeted.  The boy on the bus was picking on all the kindergarteners and it was corrected.  And in the middle of it all, I went in to pick up Caleb from school and as he left his class line, all these little voices calling out "'bye Caleb"  It melted my heart and continues to at every lunchtime pick up.  My boy is making friends, slowly but surely.

Caleb has a team at school.  He's getting OT services, speech services and he's started in the gifted program.  I've been moved to tears at the people who are working so hard to help him succeed.  I feel blessed to be in an area where I don't have to fight them to recognize his challenges and that they aren't just meeting his needs but also helping him to grow so that he doesn't need as many supports.  It's been so encouraging and I feel confident that they'll continue to support him and encourage him to excel as he grows.

It's still bittersweet to watch my boy grow.  I miss that little baby who loved to curl up and be read to but I love this little boy that is so smart and caring and silly.

Picture Time!

Caleb's 6 year pictures and Sadie's 5 year pictures.  I'm happy with them and I didn't even need to bribe the boy to wear the hat :-)

The Little/Big Sister

We know that our little Sadie is a gift from God. Of course, we believe that all children are gifts but Sadie's our special gift. God knew Caleb and God knew that he needed Sadie.

Sadie has done more for Caleb than all of his therapies. I often wonder what our boy would look like if he had been an only child in our house of quiet introverts. Would he have retreated more and more into his books? Would he still struggle with games of pretend?

Our Sadie, from the start, refused to play by Caleb's rules and drew him out of his world and into her's with her imaginary Mexican family, talking dogs, ballerina cowgirls and, of course, the princesses.

Now as they're growing, I'm seeing Sadie beginning to take on a new role.

We spent the weekend at camp. Just me, the kids and Pappy (Andy was home working and participating in movie magic, being an extra for Batman). Weekends at camp are challenging- the nearest grocery store is a little one in a town about 30 min away over the mountain, there's no cell service, and then there's the constant reminder of my stepmother- but we do these weekends with my dad and hopefully make some new memories at their camp in the woods.

As the kids are getting older, they get more and more excited about going to camp. I'm thinking it's less about being out in the woods and more about Pappy's tendency to be very generous with cookies and Bugs Bunny cartoons. But the kids were very excited to go up. This trip was for cousin C's birthday and to pick blueberries.

As excited as the kids are to go to camp, these weekends can be a little more challenging for the Boy. It's really hard to keep a schedule and a routine at camp. Caleb needs to be very "go with the flow" and after a few days of that, he's often done. My dad has gotten much better in understanding Caleb but I know the tantrums make him uncomfortable so I'm on supermom duty trying to manage it all.

This weekend, Supermom, had a sidekick and I got to see my little girl understanding and trying so hard to calm her big brother.

Caleb did very good most of the weekend but we did have a couple of bobbles. One in particular was during video game time. This is often in the evenings when the Boy is tired, spent (coping-wise) and it makes for a sometimes volatile combination. In these situations, he has a really difficult time losing gracefully. This evening was no different and I'm not exactly sure how it happened but the boy lost a game, got very upset and when I came into the living room, Sadie was with him, trying very hard to calm him down. I could hear her soothing voice and see her gesturing with her hands, explaining that things were okay and that he needed to just settle down and we would sort it all out.

It was a sweet moment and made this mama very proud of her girl. Her little girl, growing up and recognizing her big brother's challenges. Her little girl caring more about him, than about playing her game with Pappy. And Caleb responded to her, calming down and then coming to me so that we could sort it all out.

It's happened a few more times since then. He hasn't gone into a full-blown tantrum but she's recognized instances where he might have difficulties and calmly tried to talk him through them.

I know she doesn't know Aspergers or even Autism but she loves her big brother and wants to help him. And this mama is happy to have all the help she can get, especially if it helps her boy.

Still in Holland: Part Two

We had a great week with G'ma. We filled the time with lots of fun activities and still made plenty of time for stories and playing pretend. Part of keeping Caleb together, means still having time for him to escape, to curl up with his 2 best friends- Giant Frog and a book. So we had plenty of time for that.

On G'ma's last day, we had some extra time so we decided to go to the Science Center for the morning. It was a nice way to avoid the heat but it was also very crowded. There were several camps there so we skipped the first two floors and headed up to the top floor to try to avoid the crowds a bit.

It's been awhile since I was last at the science center. It's changed quite a bit and I love the changes. One big change is the addition of a gated area on the top floor for ages 3-6 and their families. This was perfect for us. The camps started with kindergarten age kids and many of them couldn't come in because they didn't have chaperones with them. It was the perfect place for us and many of the other families trying to enjoy the science center.

The area has several climbing spots, a big water table, a place for dress ups and a little book corner and my boy's favorite, at the back is a contraption for moving plastic balls around. A conveyor belt takes them up to a bin at the top of the machine and when the bin gets too full, a whistle sounds and the balls drop down on whoever is underneath. I think just about every kid there loved that part. And my boy was right with them.

It was here that it hit me again- my boy is different. My boy has asperger's.

Caleb was eagerly loading the conveyor belt with balls or turning the wheel to take them up to the bin. He was so happy. A group of 6 yr olds convinced their chaperone to bring them into the area too. They quickly came back to this contraption (how could you resist?!). Caleb wasn't bothered by more kids and they didn't seem bothered by him. The whistle sounded, the balls dropped and it all began again with dozens of squeals and giggles. I kept watching Caleb and I noticed some boys working with him. They had their ages on their name badges- K-1. These were Caleb's peers. Caleb will be 6 in a little over a month. And as I watched him and them, he was bouncing and giggling and flapping. It was a bittersweet moment. I was thrilled to see him so happy, having such a great time. How can you not feel that joy when you see it on your child's face? And yet, seeing side by side the difference between my boy and these other children...

It's a reality. Fortunately, it's not a hopeless reality. He's going to keep growing and keep learning how to fit in this crazy world. He'll become more like these other kids, with a little extra help but at the same time, I truly hope that he doesn't lose that freedom to express his happiness. As a supremely self-conscious individual, I love that both my kids are so confident and willing to express themselves without reservation. I envy that freedom. I want Caleb to learn but not lose himself in all these treatments and therapies. Hopefully there will be a balance.

After awhile, he grew tired of the balls and ready to explore more things. I thought he might appreciate a reading break after being with all those kids for so long. I led him over the the book area and my boy casually glanced at the books but before I could take a seat to read with him, he had turned around and was making his way back to the water table?!?!! Of all things! He went to the water table, put on an apron and proceeded to get busy in the water. Who was this kid? G'ma was just as surprised as I was. This is the boy who still insists on changing his outfit if even the smallest drop of liquid lands on him. How many trips to the Children's Museum where we couldn't even consider going up to the water floor? And to turn down books in favor of getting wet?

My boy is growing. My boy is learning. My boy is getting a handle on his quirks and having an easier time playing.

Caleb spent a good 15 minutes playing in the water. He didn't even bat an eye when he got sprayed in the face by one of the other kids. He didn't complain that there were wet spots on his shirt and shorts. And at the end, we didn't spend any time at all with the books.

It was a good day and a great visit! Thank you G'ma for coming out to play :-)